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What is this thing we call love? Poems and songs describe it, but it’s like the wind—we see the effects of its presence or absence on people, but it’s hard to nail down.

Monty and I both taught in the Mathematics department of Liberty University, so most of the students knew we were married. Although we conducted ourselves in a professional manner, we discovered some students observed our interactions and concluded that our long marriage had not dimmed our love and respect for each other. A few even asked us for advice about marriage and finding the “right” one.

I was puzzled that in the past when we taught in secular state universities, only young women approached me with such questions. However, at LU, I found predominantly male students approaching me with questions about love and marriage. I pondered whether that had anything to do with the fact that our sons were getting married around that time or if it was my greying hair.

After commenting about observing us walking across campus or at a school event, a student would cautiously launch into their questions. Depending on the situation, there were many suggestions I might make. However—over time—my answers began to simplify to “It’s not about how someone makes your heart beat faster or how you have such strong sexual feelings for each other,”—and then I would warn them they could have those same feelings for more than one person. So, don’t get married on just physical feelings, I advised. Then, I would go into what I considered the deal breaker regarding their prospective marriage. “Can you serve God more effectively as a couple than as two separate individuals?” 

Following their shocked “deer-in-the-headlights look,” I would explain how the strengths and weaknesses of a couple should mesh together with a hand-and-glove fit. As an example, I pointed out that Monty was an “early-morning starter” and I was a “late-night finisher.” To clarify, I explained that Monty would start on some new challenging project and then try to entice me to do it with him—often followed by my foot-dragging. We made a great team once he overcame my reluctance because we compensated for each other’s weaknesses. (Yes, having a morning and a night person meant we had all bases covered at any hour on the clock.) However, Monty often saw a new challenge he wanted to explore before we finished the project, and I was left to finish it.

I’m aware I’m reluctant to start something new because I know I’ll want to see it through to the end if I commit. In contrast, Monty loved the challenge of solving a new problem. But once he recognized how to solve it, he was ready to find another challenge. However, the fact that he was a starter and I was a finisher meant we accomplished a lot by working together. I have often wondered how much either of us would have completed without the other. The Lord knows which two people work best with each other, so we need to seek His direction in our decisions.

Monty once asked me a strange question I sometimes shared with students. We were getting serious about marriage and driving from OSU to West Texas for me to meet his family. En route, we passed a train boxcar that appeared to be sitting in a field as we drove across southern Oklahoma farmland. He casually asked, “Would you be willing to live in a boxcar if that was all I could afford?” A flippant retort was on my tongue when I glanced at him and realized he had a solemn look on his face. I paused to consider the circumstances. We both came from families that believed in saving money and purchasing everything with cash except a home. We had discussed that Monty wanted us to live on his salary for the bare essentials. That would leave my salary flexible for special things, so I would be free to work or not work as I choose. This would protect us from being in a bind if/when we started a family. I sensed he might be testing if I would honor my commitment to live on his salary even if the situation was unpleasant.

I passed the test, for we lived by that commitment for the 57 years we had together. Was it always easy? Goodness no! But, the difficult times helped us develop character and realize how important commitment is in a long, loving relationship.

Whenever I discussed questions regarding love with a student, I often explained how God intended the husband-wife relationship in marriage to be a picture of the love relationship between Christ and His church. My understanding of that picture put everything in perspective. I didn’t comprehend the commitment involved in “true marital love” until I studied the kind of love it took for Christ to willingly lay down His life because of His love for you and me. True self-sacrificial love begins with God, and we merely reflect little bits of it to others. Monty and I discussed that pictorial image of Christ and His church several times because he felt very deeply that scripture calls the husband to have that same self-sacrificial love for his wife that Christ has for His church. I think any wife receiving that kind of love couldn’t help but love and respect her husband profoundly.

Jesus said: “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35 (NIV)

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)